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12:08pm 24/11/2008
  first we realized there could be a god, and that we created him so that we could become him, and now we must destroy him so that we may become something else.  
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03:34pm 01/10/2007
  apple pollie lodges
Body: shoop a doop willing the night goes off right, only time tells and heals all things mother says. look directly at the source without burning too bright, right right? light a fire willie nillie, billie? is that you? i hardly recognize under that frown, don't use that tone with me boy or i'll hang up on you so fast it'll make your zipper spin-a-win. blackenshpeal, and then close the door some more. it's pouring outside. sometimes it floods. but i'm always floating anyway. ooops there i go, i'm sorry girl, was it something i said? i told you not to fall for me. fall for this, wis a wis, and we'll both be happy-nappy. now you're acting crappy. i didn't fall for this, but i'll fall for this right now. oops there i go again was it something i said?
 
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bulletins are messages that are sent to all your friends?   
05:42pm 26/09/2007
  Body: the focal point can change but the goal does not have to, glass is too breakable however useful it may be. destroy it like it's time to destroy any illusion that may seem like the truth but only intuition can decide what my central nervous system is meant to do with the impulses sent through as electricity. a vase can be broken and put back together and hope to still hold water for the preservation of dead life, much like all intimate relationships turn out to be. the vessel can hold so much, and then, only an insignifican amount compared to the whole is needed for the vessel to run over with its passions. ascend to passions, impulses, and the intuition that decides all.

numbers are useless. primitive ways to determine quantity. i'll always prefer some slight disorder, the burning sensations let me know i'm still alive but am i really here or can i be too prone to day-dreaming? the focal point can change but the goal.... destroy my wishes and pleadings to keep awake my dreaming state. the will to power. the pawns give the king his kingdom, and as the king dances the pawns build his kingdom.

unraveling for the sake of non-selective responses and feelings. staying sensitive in order to hold a low standard of emotional fulfillment, that is called emotional self-sufficiency why depend on others? making a vessel of another person for an emotion that happens regardless? only re-directioning is needed for the pieces to fall into place. i have been learned this with confidence. people with similar impulses and desires deserve eachother, struggle together. each day we are given an opportunity to set someone free or to break someone's heart. stand up and help us out.

i've never written a blank check for anyone in my life, overdrafts are a bitch. any sovereign nation only has so much to offer. everything i've ever wanted is always there, it's just already happened, and i'm always left waiting.
 
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are they trying to tell us what to do?   
05:41pm 26/09/2007
  there's no question why that happens, becoming a role instead of anything short of a possibility. the useless tree lasts a full lifetime so long as it's too weak for any other purpose, carpentry or otherwise. did i stray from the subject? what was the quality sensed through the empty vibration that only enables a sense of apathy for one matched directly and independently? has not been learned. language is useless.  
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03:05pm 10/09/2007
 
IQ Test Score
 
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only time i would vote republican.... wait, didn't i burn my voting card?   
04:11am 13/05/2007
   
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04:00am 13/05/2007
   
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futants   
03:42am 12/05/2007
  http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/esp_autor_freer03.htm  
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02:45am 19/04/2007
  with a scene so comfortably secure that leaves no room for doubt there is no confusion left to take the time away from what used to occupy the most. i have been learned this with confidence. progression through transcending perpetuation. using it for the advantage of the possibilities offered. i'm more than happy, and less than satisfied. i've torn the machine out, and unraveled for the sake of non-selective responses, used gravity to find some of the deepest emotions not always visible but always lurking lurking lurking. a cycle that doesn't repeat itself. like so much that hangs in the air until an attempt to define it takes the beauty away. gaining the world without having anything set in stone, sweating and breathing and stirring and thinking and sinking deeper and it's almost like i'm swimming.  
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'amor fati' (love your fate)   
03:28pm 18/10/2006
  it is over 80 degrees outside right now. having sweat on my brow makes me happy, the dress shoes i've been wearing do not. they hurt my chins. they cram my feet into small places. some people act as though i'm not used to dealing with fake people, as though i can't see through them. i enjoy giving her reasons to not like me, but killing her with kindness the whole time. the equivilant of laughing at her while she's pissed off. proving that i don't take her seriously.

" why so hard?' the charcoal once said to the diamond:'for are we not close relations?'
why so soft? O my brotheres, thus i ask you: for are you not - my brothers?
Why so soft, unresisting and yielding? Why is there so much denial and abnegation in your hearts? So little fate in your glances?
And if you will not be fates, if you will not be inexorable: how can you - conquer with me?
For all creators are hard. And it must seem bliss to you to press your hand upon millenia as upon wax, bliss to write upon the will of millenia as upon metal - harder than metal, nobler than metal. Only the noblest is perfectly hard.
This new law table do i put over you, O my brothers: become hard!

-from Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Nietzsche

I found a used book store that has ten books that i want to buy. how nice to have found a source of distraction that's not a distraction from a sort of progression that i most definitely enjoy. still something usefull in my free time for sure.

In the apartment Mike and i have been setting up our music equipment and practicing for a while several times a week. it takes the edge off a lot of things, a lot of no-things.
 
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05:21pm 13/10/2006
  there are bright stars out here while the snow is stuck up north. there was a freeze warning here in tennessee last night because it went below 40 degrees. the pile of trash on the corner of demonbreaun and 17th ave must have been washed away because it is no longer there, a site i will miss on my way to being a baker at 6 every morning.

my dreams have become intense since moving here. i wake up at least ten minutes before my alarm goes off every morning. the other night i had a dream that i was in michigan, which happens quite a bit. i woke up wondering where i was, all confused like. when i realized i was in tennessee i thought am i leaving for michigan today? no, i was not. how confusing! i also had a dream that in the future they learned how to build cities on the tops of trees, which are very hard to stand on but look neat from far away. anyway. i enjoy being here a lot, even if i don't have many friends and spend most of my time between working and chilling at the apartment with narled schatz. i've been writing a lot of music lately, a product from practicing a lot i'm sure. hopefully soon i'll fall into the habit of writing full songs to record on my four track.

monday i spent 4 hours making chicken soup after going to do laundry. the grocery store was selling whole chickens for 1.50, which was a good sign for soup. i made the broth out of cooking the chicken in water for a couple hours. it was very relaxing. also i've been reading a lot of nietzsche, at least as much as i can without becoming too cynical.

anyway, i feel the healthiest i've been in years, and i really mean that. soon i turn 22 and i'm happy about that.
 
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11:57am 30/07/2006
  after two months of excruciating heat and half glances, someone decided that i should move to nashville at the end of august. it's nice having that voice on my shoulders, or rather on the other end of my telephone connection. sattelites and whatnot. anyways this is what's happening. soon i'll be back in waterford for a couple weeks then off to nashville it is for me and mr schatz. let's do this.  
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12:56am 20/06/2006
  some people are products of other's evolution, others are concerned with their own. both are equally necessary, whether i feel for one side or the other.

i can walk around this whole city and not feel any different than when i locked the door and stepped outside the main door i'm afraid i'll walk out of and not be able to walk back in to. i see punk rockers head banging themselves into oblivion i bet they fall asleep feeling the same way i do.... tired. amphetamines are great, so are animals. they live in trees, their only jobs are self-preservation. i've been yelled at for self-preserving, out of misconceptions of course but none-the-less i hate being yelled at. especially for self-preserving. what's worse is not being yelled at because i can imagine what the yelling would be like, instead i hear whispers and wonder why don't we solve problems instead of stacking them on. some animals desire power to solve sexual frustration while others desire sex to solve power frustrations. how animal like, i'd like to put them all in a zoo feel like i'm better than them because my species feed them while their species entertain me when i walk to THEIR zoo to make myself feel better. in the end i'm the only one feeding myself.

i feel that power is only important in impersonal situations, when it's me against the world. being modest with my friends means more to me than feeling dominant in impersonal situations.

sometimes i feel like all i need is a circle of friends that can drop their guard as much as i'd like to, maybe even more so, so that i can learn to be more vulnerable than i'm comfortable with (isnt that the point of being vulnerable?). then i remember i left that circle 4 1/2 hours away. if only i could want what i want to want, then i'd have what i used to have.

a train of thought hurts almost as much as a train would, good thing they have signs up for physical trains, if i had a sign for mental trains i would tear it down and wonder why i got hit, then reap the benefits.

play on words means nothing when it sounds nice, it could mean everything if thought about in the right way. (see fourth indent)

again, if only i could want what i want to want. i could be comfortable or completely uncomfortable. why do i stick myself in between situation when i know neither will take me anywhere but where i've been before emotionally. god damn this consonance it's only genetics. i could fight it but life is so god damn genetic and biological. the only way i can stay alive is to not be a machine, but biology consists so much of consonance. is there a medium? an inbetween i havent found?

synonyms for comfortable: adequate, agreeable, ample, appropriate, at rest, cared for, cheerful, commodious, complacent, contented, convenient, cozy, cushy, delightful, easy, enjoyable, enjoying, gratified, hale, happy, healthy, hearty, loose, loose-fitting, luxurious, made well, palatial, pleasant, pleased, protected, relaxed, relaxing, relieved, rested, restful, restored, rich, roomy, satisfactory, satisfying, serene, sheltered, snug, soft, soothed, spacious, strengthened, untroubled, useful, warm, well-off

i like that.
 
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01:03am 18/06/2006
  i don't know what to expect from this vocabulary that wont end until my mouth shuts or my eyes open enough to see what's happening around me. i'd like to run but i can't find my shoes, i want to put them on but i have no desire to run. seeing two people of the same person is like taking ambien to stay awake then wondering where the night went, and how much of it went into the toilet. red? i didn't eat anything red fuck that, someone else was puking probably the second of my persons. the law is there to get paid, i'm here to get laid, you're here to break my face when i don't know what to say. more beer. let's take the blue line stay awake until 6 am if there's a party i'm there if there's a party i'm here if you're downtown i'm uptown let's burn this city down.  
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08:04am 17/06/2006
  if only there were two people wanting to be one it would make for a nice story..... too bad i've heard it before like a script to fill in the blanks, names mean nothing when all i remember is faces. i'll drink water with no ice use this body with no life sleep with a fan that sounds nice. poetry is gay, fuck lice. wait, don't fuck lice spray it with bug killer we're dominant with these thumbs i carry around, no price to me only thoughts of my evolution good thing i carried the zero. math is important when all have you is calulators, keep it in your head we're better than any piece of machinery; THEY! should have eyes like oysters "what are these people doing here" fuck it. don't let them in i'll plant my own garden and wonder why everyone else has cancer. ice cream and anti-freeze, one's for cars the other for people. same ingredients? kind of, only for profit, only for the maximization of product. i'm a product of myself maybe i should keep that in mind. words mean nothing to me because the tone of your voice means so much more, like a dog with only a limit on what he can understand stare at the television screen why are these lights coming through it must be something i don't know let's make science to wonder why we don't understand.

"pack up all your things and leave your past behind" - ghosthouse records
 
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07:35am 17/06/2006
  wher the fuck is all my inderect contact with this bullshit they call the internet i'm getting freaked out colors lights with no meanings never getting to what i want typed in on the boxes let's write on note cards tape them to the walls better to feel comfortable in a room falling asleep in better to nto waste my time not sleeping ten oclock the price is right is on bob barker you doon't know shit let's party at seven eleven where they' don't speak english . my official language consists of grunts and rolling of eyes. i'm almost ready to write a dictionary, almost ready to indulge in street behavior that gets me nowhere but an accomplished feeling when i try to fall asleep on my futon that folds in on myself. or was i tipping it over. where's that girl who wants to cut my hair where are my drugs to make this place seem more like home.

i am home

i lack the motivation to take this city over today. tomottow will be here an hour ago here i am wanting to not want but i still have my dick in my hand only place to go is up up up
 
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07:51pm 09/05/2006
  this past month i read the worst book i've read in a long time, slaughter-house five by kurt vonnegut. i've heard so much appreciation of him from other people who've read a lot so it seemed credible, worth checking out. since then i've read two books that were very well done, started reading breakfast of champions. the librarian who was at the counter said it was his best one, better than cat's cradle.

living in chicago is being looked forward to immensely. i was thinking on the way to the library that my time is spent either with friends or by myself, both of which wont really be much of a possibility soon. it will probably be the first or second week in june when i move. i wish it was sooner sometimes, other times not at all. i'm looking forward to making new friends hopefully some girl will think it to be a good idea to occupy my time with things worth doing. i'm always open to suggestions. especially in a big city.

i was also thinking of how much it would suck to get lost at night and have to sleep outside behind some dumpster or in an alley because i can't find my way home and don't want to get more lost. it might happen because i'm clumsy like that. a map would be a great idea so long as i know what street i live on.

i feel boring, that's probably why i stayed at home trying to read that book and fighting with those damn zulus and vikings on my computer. how rude of them to be so uncooperative! i should nuke them all like a real super power would!

i also hope to spend a lot of time outside this weekend. hopefully people wont be working all the time.

"funny thing about weekends when you're unemployed, they don't mean quite so much. except you get to hang out with your working friends." - Les Claypool

i also hope to stop procrastinating about many things. maybe someone will come live in chicago with me because i may feel lonely a lot.
 
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11:16am 01/03/2006
  this morning i woke up with bad feelings. there's nothing to be depressed about but that doesn't change anything, only something to repeat to myself so i wont feel so bad. i decided to get far away from my bed, and until i do that there's nothing that'll make me feel better. everyone i've ever met has taught me something and for that i am grateful. one of the best gifts i can give myself is being aware of these lessons people are unknowingly giving me every day. and to thank each of them would be giving them a debt, my debt to them. instead i'll pretend to be unaware. what a mask to wear. pretty soon i'll be driving mr. higgins to the airport. in another week mike will be boarding a similair cross-continental airplane. two of my best friends will be over seas until the summer. i can't wait to see them when they get back, i miss them already and they're not gone yet.  
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04:39pm 28/02/2006
  i like the warm weather. going out different times of the day i can notice how it gets warmer up to a point until it starts cooling down. i probably pay attention to the difference because it's better than the freezing feeling that usually accompanies winter. it's deffinitely a spring feeling, to have it in a non-spring month is fabulous. also, i have fallen for words like fabulous and glorious. hell yeah
the past couple weeks i have done much to live it all up and take advantage of every oppurtunity i was aware of. because of my attitude i have made better friends with people i have always wanted to be more involved with. i have gotten way too drunk at times, too billigerent at the wrong times, and said things i shouldn't have to people i really care about. my tolerance for alcohol has increased the past two months and as a result i get more drunk than i think i am only because my handle has learned to deal with me punishing it in such a way. i had sex with some girl and it reminded me of how much i don't like sex, which is probably why most of my girlfriends have broken up with me for someone that does like sex. the only part of it that bothers me is now that we've become involved i feel bad because i don't feel the same way she does. everytime i go to her house i am around her wonderful parents that i enjoy a lot and i think to myself that when i break it to her that i don't enjoy our little arrangement we have going her parents will think of me as a jerk. it sucks that it took me to having sex to remind me how much i hate it, the act and the feeling afterwards of feeling more alone than i ever do. i hate sex and i'm starting to hate her for making me feel bad for not liking it.
my friends are amazing people and i enjoy every minute of my friendship with said people. whether it's being around them or my memories with them or the influence they have on me that i can't denie. i also try to keep in mind how bad alcohol is for me. i hate losing stuff, not remembering everything that happens to me, and not having my witts about me. i enjoy acting a fool in front of my friends because they are the only ones that appreciate my ridiculous/drunken behavior, and it works out perfectly because they are the only people who's opinions of me i care about. it's a pleasure being in good company.
 
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01:23pm 17/02/2006
  If there is someone on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you have not met in person and/or would not have met without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.  
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